So tomorrow is the big day. I will be spending today wrapping up everything at work and then organizing everything at home. I'm doing laundry and buying groceries. I've got Gracie's care arranged for the rest of the week. Gracie gets to spend tomorrow with her Grandma at our house and Thursday she will get to see Leala and Diep, which she is really excited about.
I will pack a bag but Kevin won't bring that to me for a couple of days.
I will go in sometime tomorrow (I will find out later this afternoon what time I will have to arrive - probably early). They will prep me. I will change into a gown and then after a few hours of waiting I will get wheeled to the hallway outside the Operating Room. This is the part I am dreading. I really hated having to wait 20 minutes on my own right outside the OR before my last surgery. This is where my head started racing and I would imagine all the bad things that are about to happen...I may ask for a sedative this time around.
After the surgery I will spend overnight in the PACU (Post Anasthetic Care Unit aka "recovery room"). Only immediate family will be able to visit for a maximum of 5 minutes. I hope that I will be moved to my patient room on Thurday. I also hope that I will be feeling well enough by then to start blogging again.
After my pre-admitting appointment yesterday I am feeling a lot calmer about this surgery. I was reassuered that, although this is brain surgery, it is as routine as brain surgery gets.
The anasthesiologist resident said "If you are told that you have to have brain surgery this is the one you want it to be."
I'm still nervous...but I have also accepted that this is what I have to do.
Thanks again to all of you for your well wishes and offers to help. I have made up a list for Kevin and he will contact people when he needs a hand.
Ok. This is the last post until after my surgery. See you all soon!!!!!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Prepping Gracie and Meal Offers
So last night I decided to start talking to Gracie about my surgery. She was playing with a sheet of bubble wrap and I told her that I had a boo boo on my head and that I was going to have to go to the hospital to see a doctor so that he could take the boo boo away. I told her that the doctor was going to put a big band-aid on my head. She responded by saying "That's not good."
I said "No. It's not but the doctor will take Mommy's boo boo away and then I will be all better". I then explained that I would have to have sleepovers at the hospital and that Daddy or Grandma would put her to bed at night.
She said "Can I see your boo boo?"
I said "No because it is inside my head."
Gracie answered "The doctor can't take the boo boo away because you have hair on your head."
I said "The doctor and nurses are going to cut my hair."
She replied "That is sad."
I then said "Yes. I don't want to have my hair cut off. But it will grow back!!!"
She then said "OK!" and then asked me to help her pop her bubble wrap :) She seemed concerned but not scared.
Then she woke up in the middle of the night. She seemed out of it and half unconscious. She asked me to sleep in her bed (which is not uncommon) and when I climbed into bed she asked "Is your head all better?"
I said "Not yet, but the doctor is going to fix it." she then kissed me on my noggin and then rolled over and immediately started snoring. Poor little thing.
On the way home today she said to me "I will be sad when you don't want to be a mommy anymore."
I had to hold back tears and say "I will always be your Mommy. That will NEVER CHANGE no matter what."
And then tonight as I put her to bed she got quite upset and didn't want me to leave. She said "I don't want you to leave for the hospital." She wouldn't calm down until I convinced her that I was not leaving tonight.
She is obviously nervous and worried about this. I'll be honest, so am I. I am going to miss her so much. I don't know whether she will be allowed to visit me in the hospital or not. I don't even know if it is a good idea for her to visit me. It all depends on how I am feeling and what kind of shape I look like afterwards.
Many of you have asked about making meals for me and my family. I have been warned by the doctor that I may not be able to open my mouth very wide after the surgery. I may require some physiotherapy to gain back all my mobility. This is caused by an incision that will be made through the muscle located at my right temple. This muscle controls my jaw. (If you place your hand at your temple and then bite down you can feel the muscle that I'm talking about.) Anyways, because of this I may have diet restrictions. I will know more once I have had my surgery. Although I may be stuck eating soup and apple sauce I am sure that Gracie and Kevin will appreciate a nice hearty meal. Thank you to all of you who have offered.
That's it for tonight. Today was my last full day at work for a few months. Tomorrow I have an MRI...a really long one...one hour staying as still as possible. On Monday I meet with the anesthesiologist and on Tuesday I register Gracie for JUNIOR KINDERGARTEN next year!!!!! I can't believe how big she is getting! The picture of us was taken on Thanksgiving at Hogs Back.
I said "No. It's not but the doctor will take Mommy's boo boo away and then I will be all better". I then explained that I would have to have sleepovers at the hospital and that Daddy or Grandma would put her to bed at night.
She said "Can I see your boo boo?"
I said "No because it is inside my head."
Gracie answered "The doctor can't take the boo boo away because you have hair on your head."
I said "The doctor and nurses are going to cut my hair."
She replied "That is sad."
I then said "Yes. I don't want to have my hair cut off. But it will grow back!!!"
She then said "OK!" and then asked me to help her pop her bubble wrap :) She seemed concerned but not scared.
Then she woke up in the middle of the night. She seemed out of it and half unconscious. She asked me to sleep in her bed (which is not uncommon) and when I climbed into bed she asked "Is your head all better?"
I said "Not yet, but the doctor is going to fix it." she then kissed me on my noggin and then rolled over and immediately started snoring. Poor little thing.
On the way home today she said to me "I will be sad when you don't want to be a mommy anymore."
I had to hold back tears and say "I will always be your Mommy. That will NEVER CHANGE no matter what."
And then tonight as I put her to bed she got quite upset and didn't want me to leave. She said "I don't want you to leave for the hospital." She wouldn't calm down until I convinced her that I was not leaving tonight.
She is obviously nervous and worried about this. I'll be honest, so am I. I am going to miss her so much. I don't know whether she will be allowed to visit me in the hospital or not. I don't even know if it is a good idea for her to visit me. It all depends on how I am feeling and what kind of shape I look like afterwards.
Many of you have asked about making meals for me and my family. I have been warned by the doctor that I may not be able to open my mouth very wide after the surgery. I may require some physiotherapy to gain back all my mobility. This is caused by an incision that will be made through the muscle located at my right temple. This muscle controls my jaw. (If you place your hand at your temple and then bite down you can feel the muscle that I'm talking about.) Anyways, because of this I may have diet restrictions. I will know more once I have had my surgery. Although I may be stuck eating soup and apple sauce I am sure that Gracie and Kevin will appreciate a nice hearty meal. Thank you to all of you who have offered.
That's it for tonight. Today was my last full day at work for a few months. Tomorrow I have an MRI...a really long one...one hour staying as still as possible. On Monday I meet with the anesthesiologist and on Tuesday I register Gracie for JUNIOR KINDERGARTEN next year!!!!! I can't believe how big she is getting! The picture of us was taken on Thanksgiving at Hogs Back.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Surgery Date Has Been Set!
Ok. I heard from the hospital today and a surgery date has been set! Next Wednesday. A week from today! I'm nervous and scared!!! But I am relieved to get this process over with so that my life can get back to normal. So, I have seven days to arrange for help taking care of Gracie, meals and cleaning my house. We are looking for volunteers. I also need to wrap things up at work as I will need to take a few months off to recover after the surgery. I will need to get another MRI this week and to meet with the anesthesiologist. I don't know if I will be able to have a laptop in my room after the surgery or not but I hope I can so that I can stay in touch with everybody. I don't think that I will be allowed many visitors as I need to avoid risks of an infection. The hospital will most likely be a very lonely place for me. I try not to think of all the things that can go wrong and instead I focus on planning for the next few months. Thank you to everyone for all your thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to me.
Monday, January 9, 2012
My Noggin
Noggin. It's always been a favourite word and I love to use it. Well, I'm going to be using that word a lot for a while.
A few months ago I approached my doctor and requested an MRI of my brain. I had been having more frequent headaches as well as a numb tongue. The doctor huffed at me and thought I was crazy to want this test done because of a numb tongue but I have a history of doctors who brush my concerns aside. I've usually been right so I knew that I had to insist.
I had the MRI and the results have come back. I have a 25mm x 14mm meningioma on the right side of my head - right at my temple. A tumor. The doctor said that it appears benign (not cancer) and unrelated to my breast cancer history. He said he would be extremely shocked if it turned out to be malignant (cancer). The tumor is probably very slow growing but I'm going to need surgery. After the surgery my brain will be monitored via MRIs for the next 20 years.
The tumor is located on the surface of my brain that is responsible for memory and personality. If my brain is damaged during surgery then these are the parts of my brain that would be affected. The good news is that my brain should have another "backup copy" of this information on the left side of my brain. The chances of permanent damage is under 5%. I also have a small risk of losing mobility and feeling on my left side (I don't remember the percentage....I think it was under 1%). There is, of course, also the risk of infection. The surgeon will do his best to have any scars within my hairline but I will probably have an indent on the right side of my head. My hair has just finally got long enough for me to put it in a ponytail and now I am probably going to have the right side of my head shaved for the surgery. WARNING!!!!...venting time. I knew to expect to hear things that would scare me (procedure and risks of the surgery). But knowing that I'm pretty much guaranteed to be looking in the mirror next month and seeing a slightly different reflection looking back at me really pisses me off. Don't I have enough battle scars already? Hasn't my life been intruded upon enough because of my breast cancer? I have scars on my body that I can cover up with a sweater. Now I am going to have one on my face!!!!!! The doctor told me I should be concerned more about the risks. I'M CONCERNED ABOUT IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! Okay, the venting is over...for now.
The surgery will be soon. I'm still waiting to hear about a date. It will probably last about four hours and I will be in the hospital for at least a few days. I should expect to need about two months recovery time at home before I can go back to work.
I should also mention that the surgeon says that my chances of coming out of this "okay" and not needing any further treatment is as close to 100% as he can get.
I've been crying a lot. Sometimes I start thinking about all the worst case scenarios. I have had a few days of feeling sorry for myself but you know me....I always bounce back and am usually upbeat. Thank you to everyone out there for all your well wishes. Thank you to my wonderful husband, Kevin, who is always there for me. And a big thank you to my dear friend Diep who always knows how to cheer me up.
A few months ago I approached my doctor and requested an MRI of my brain. I had been having more frequent headaches as well as a numb tongue. The doctor huffed at me and thought I was crazy to want this test done because of a numb tongue but I have a history of doctors who brush my concerns aside. I've usually been right so I knew that I had to insist.
I had the MRI and the results have come back. I have a 25mm x 14mm meningioma on the right side of my head - right at my temple. A tumor. The doctor said that it appears benign (not cancer) and unrelated to my breast cancer history. He said he would be extremely shocked if it turned out to be malignant (cancer). The tumor is probably very slow growing but I'm going to need surgery. After the surgery my brain will be monitored via MRIs for the next 20 years.
The tumor is located on the surface of my brain that is responsible for memory and personality. If my brain is damaged during surgery then these are the parts of my brain that would be affected. The good news is that my brain should have another "backup copy" of this information on the left side of my brain. The chances of permanent damage is under 5%. I also have a small risk of losing mobility and feeling on my left side (I don't remember the percentage....I think it was under 1%). There is, of course, also the risk of infection. The surgeon will do his best to have any scars within my hairline but I will probably have an indent on the right side of my head. My hair has just finally got long enough for me to put it in a ponytail and now I am probably going to have the right side of my head shaved for the surgery. WARNING!!!!...venting time. I knew to expect to hear things that would scare me (procedure and risks of the surgery). But knowing that I'm pretty much guaranteed to be looking in the mirror next month and seeing a slightly different reflection looking back at me really pisses me off. Don't I have enough battle scars already? Hasn't my life been intruded upon enough because of my breast cancer? I have scars on my body that I can cover up with a sweater. Now I am going to have one on my face!!!!!! The doctor told me I should be concerned more about the risks. I'M CONCERNED ABOUT IT ALL!!!!!!!!!! Okay, the venting is over...for now.
The surgery will be soon. I'm still waiting to hear about a date. It will probably last about four hours and I will be in the hospital for at least a few days. I should expect to need about two months recovery time at home before I can go back to work.
I should also mention that the surgeon says that my chances of coming out of this "okay" and not needing any further treatment is as close to 100% as he can get.
I've been crying a lot. Sometimes I start thinking about all the worst case scenarios. I have had a few days of feeling sorry for myself but you know me....I always bounce back and am usually upbeat. Thank you to everyone out there for all your well wishes. Thank you to my wonderful husband, Kevin, who is always there for me. And a big thank you to my dear friend Diep who always knows how to cheer me up.
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